I have a one of a kind keyboard that can be found in this world. The letter “Z” in my keyboard broke a few days back, and now it does not exist. I have replaced “Z” with a tooth, yes a tooth. This keyboard is the first-ever keyboard with good oral hygiene. This tooth is an incisor (one of the two teeth that shows up when you smile).
This tooth belongs to my son Kevin, who is 8 years old and recently broke his milk tooth. My wife Ana advised Kevin to put that tooth under his pillow, and a tooth fairy will take away his tooth and will surprise him with a gift.
The tooth definitely got disappeared, and the tooth fairy surprised him with a gift, a toothpaste. Now Ana surely knows who the tooth fairy was, but that idiot Kevin who has no idea about this, now hates the tooth fairy. I did not find a better fit in replacement to “Z”, and I am a big-time “troller” who finds opportunities to troll literally anyone.
Kevin always joked about how ugly my teeth look. Beer, coffee, hamburgers, chocolates, and all the junk food, you name it, and I say yes to everything. After being rejected by so many beautiful ladies before I got married, I realized that I must lose some weight must not smile at all. It does not matter how much toothpaste the bike washers apply on my teeth, it stayed pale and dirty. I tried all the remedies like baking soda, lemon, citric acid, sulfuric acid, phenyl, etc. to gift my tooth with some white shine, but all failed to leave my mouth a washroom of experiments.
Even today when I lean forward to kiss Ana, she immediately rushes to the washroom, and I hear her making weird noises as if she is giving birth to a baby. I wonder what she must be doing there. I remember the last time we kissed, we were both down on 18 shots of vodka. We kissed passionately that night, and we both puked heavily. But that’s because of the alcohol, and she was half-conscious.
I went to a lady doctor who was an oral hygiene expert and told her about my life’s problems related to my oral hygiene. She asked me to sit 5 meters away from her in her clinic, while she consulted other patients from a distance of merely half a meter. I was told to wait and was then gifted with a free mouth spray. As soon as my turn for consultation came up, she warped a thick mask around her nose and said “take this prescription and go away from here.” I had no option other than feeling insulted.
That prescription had few pointers written, that I religiously implied to make my life better in some way.
Pull oil or get pushed away.
Doing the oil pulling method required me to put a tablespoonful of any of these oils, olive, sesame, or coconut oil in my mouth and gargle for 30-60 seconds. It was the first time ever in my life I put any kind of oil inside my mouth. It was very hard for me to prevent the oil from getting into my throat. For the first two weeks of doing this, I pulled so much oil that Saudi Arabia can’t export at one go.
Voting cannot eliminate all the contestants from Big Brother’s house all at once, similarly, this method of oil pulling was useful to eliminate toxins, but cannot eliminate all toxins at once. Elimination of toxins plays an essential part to heal cavities and improve bad breath. While kissing just after oil pulling is not a good idea, it can make your kissing partner’s mouth oily. She might not want to pull that oil.
Before kissing, I make sure to gargle with warm salt water to throw away the oil stuck inside my mouth. I tried it, but the bad breath did not go away, as this method must be performed 2-3 times in a day, and will show its positive effects within a few days. So finally after a few days of doing oil pulling, my wife agreed to kiss me.
Mouthwash but wash mouth
Mouthwash but wash mouth, Mouthwash but wash mouth, Mouthwash but wash the mouth. Playing with such tongue twisters did not help me get over my oral hygiene. Just brushing my teeth twice a day wasn’t the remedy that helped me. But after buying a mouthwash prescribed by the doctor, I started using it right after brushing my teeth. Coffee and beer used to be the only mouthwash products I never gargled with. My mouth feels refreshed using these two products, but the bad odor it creates is not liked by the ones sitting near me.
This is why Kevin used to punch my face whenever I tried to pick him up in my arms. I am a lazy man, and I am too lazy to go and buy a mouthwash from the store, so I made one for myself at home. 1 tsp of baking soda mixed with few drops of peppermint oil in a cup of water makes a great homemade mouthwash. Though I need to lose weight quickly, after eating the whole icing and the cake, I make sure that I use this mouthwash followed by brushing my teeth, as it works as the icing on the cake when it comes to my oral hygiene.
Watch your tongue.
That’s what she said. My boss, when I indulge in an argument with her and she is almost losing it. But my doctor literally wrote this phrase in the prescription. The business of my boss, suffered a $100,000 loss, she said “watch your tongue”, now I need to floss. My boss is not a doctor, but watching my tongue is by far the best advice I have received.
Flossing is really essential for my oral hygiene, and I have always underestimated that. I used to think that only a little toothpaste and brushing my teeth will do the job of cleaning my teeth and tongue. But when I came out from my imaginary world and took a look inside the real world, I came to know that brushing is only good for teeth. Trying to floss with the toothbrush makes me puke, so I never tried that.
I bought new tongue flossers for me, used them and I never puked using them. The bacteria living on the topmost layers of my tongue was just like my scumbag boss, both smell bad. The removal of bacteria from the tongue is very important as these bacteria are responsible for bad breath and also spoil our taste buds.
I month went by, I followed these tips. I went back to my doctor, and this time she consulted me from half a meter away. She looked like she was about to kiss me because of the good fragrance coming from my mouth. She gave me a compliment on my teeth that not shining white, but looked less pale compared to what she saw in the last meeting.
I went home, and I tried to pick up Kevin in my arms. Surprisingly, he punched me back again, there is definitely something wrong with him. Then I went to Ana, leaned forward to kiss her, and guess what, I found that she had a terrible breath as well. Now, it was time to take Ana to the same doctor for a consultation.
[Note: *The post written above is written in a fun and unconventional way of educating, and is not by any means, intended to harm emotions/sentiments or insult anybody, and should be taken in a light-hearted manner*]
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