I am 5.8″; I’ll be the shortest wrestler if I join WWE. I weighed myself on 21st January 2019 and found myself weighing in 186.5 Pounds or 86 Kgs. This Might be the lightest if I join W.W.E. But I did not want to be that heavy and needed some weight loss tips from amateurs, experts suck. I really love my chair and couch. No movement majority of the day.
Though I am a Dad of an 8-year-old irritating kid, his name is Kevin, he used to call me “Dead.” That is because I hardly moved from my chair “Mrs. Mary” and my couch “Mr. Pal.” I named them as such because I kind of married to Mrs. Mary and Mr. Pal was like a brother to me.
My goal was to reach the ideal weight for my height, i.e. 64 KG, as I wanted to divorce my beloved Mrs. Mary and “un-brother” Mr. Pal. I tried a lot of things so that my son starts calling me DAD, instead of DEAD. Some remedies helped me, and I started to lose some chicken, butter, burgers, and potato chips that were stored inside my skin, but by the grace of Lord Jesus Christ, all went back into my skin again. None of those weight loss tips stayed for long. It impressed me, Mr. Pal, my real wife, and my wife from an extramarital affair (Mrs. Mary), how I regained the lost stuff.
Just like everyone, I gave up trying and even thought of becoming a monk and giving the Dalai Lama a hard competition. But Mr. Lama and Mr. Lame lived in a different psychological world, far away from competing with each other. So, just like everyone, I gave up on this idea as well.
My asshole kid called me DEAD, and my wife hated me in the bed, “I love brown bread, but I hate you”, that’s what she said, and that always made me sad.
I wanted a permanent remedy, PERMANENT. No more rhyming about my life out of pity. I bought a pair of intelligent spectacles, a white lab coat, just to look like a professional researcher, and researched a lot about more legit weight loss tips. I came up with astonishing results, found everything on the internet that I have already tried. I then broke my laptop out of outraging anger and my little crappy kid was amazed to see me moving.
I thought that I shouldn’t have done this kind of behavior, and I said sorry, to my laptop and told Kevin to get lost, while he was laughing at me. He obeyed me like a good kid and said “go to hell DEAD”, and then he got lost. He was found again within 30 minutes and asked me “what are you going to do now DEAD?” I looked at him without giving him an answer, as I don’t think he was asking that seriously.
I looked at him, kept looking at him, he again laughed at me showing his broken teeth, spoiled gums, and cavities. I finally decided to do something that was going to transform me upside down. Yes, you guessed it right; I bought a new laptop. No, that’s not it; I also decided that I should now research upon “what not to do”, as I was tired of doing “what to do.” “Don’ts” gave me an edge over “Dos.” Idiots around the internet will show weight loss tips that hardly works, but I still managed to find 3 legit and simple ways that worked for me without sweating to death.
Peeing and pooping shall not necessarily have a fixed time to perform, but eating food MUST be assigned a fixed time on a daily basis. Junk food and other unhealthy meat were something that I always had on my table. Even though Kevin used to steal some of it, but that creep never stopped me from eating all day long.
Overeating is definitely a big problem, but one should eat well, given that the meals should be taken at fixed time intervals. My genius google-research on weight loss tips that my pig-shaped body had to develop itself for a fixed time so that it knows how much time it has for the next meal so that it can digest the food accordingly. I thought this idiotic risk can make my body’s metabolism faster and better.
I will be very happy not seeing Kevin’s face each morning, but I learned to NEVER miss my breakfast each morning. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day than Kevin-The-Dick.
Coke, lemonade, beer, and coffee, sip by sip, slowly and nicely enjoying every bit of it. What about Dihydrogen monoxide? H20, water dude water. Remember that white lab coat, I still wear that to feel like a scientist. My daily intake might have had 100 – 135 ounces i.e. 3-4 liters of Coke, lemonade, beer, and coffee combined. These junks spoiled my teeth and gum health. My water intake might be less than a quarter of that volume, where it has to be equivalent to it.
The movies that increase controversies should not be released, but the toxins that increase weight must be released, and that can’t happen if we don’t drink enough water. Kevin does not let me work when he is around me during my office hours, he is a pain in my butt. He is just like those toxins which do not let the organs inside the body function properly.
I learned not to gulp-up a whole bottle of water at once, as it will be just like a T.V/web series watched all at once. I started drinking water in sets of few sips every now and then, but still watched a complete web series all at once. Just like steamy sex is more joyful than that in cold temperatures, drinking warm water makes fats lose faster than refrigerated water does.
Game of Thrones, Friends, The Office, and all other such T.V and web series restricted me to get myself away from Mr. Pal. Horror, Sci-fi, and Comedy movies were best experienced with Mrs. Mary. I never let Kevin watch T.V and always asked him to play outside of the home. I’m a good DAD, though. Thanks to the entertainment industry, such awesome and entertaining stuff seen before and after my office hours, hardly made me want to sleep.
Every day I slept for 4-5 hours, those too in installments as if I took a loan from the sleep-bank. The research done sitting on Mr. Pal told me that not getting a good and continuous 8 hours sleep is what I wasn’t doing well. My extensive 5 minutes of research showed that 8 hours of sleep can recover the body and boost its metabolism, which in turn helps us to feel active, heal our body, and lose the unhealthy money stored in our body. Yes, money bought that food which contained fats.
Just these 3 extremely simple weight loss tips I implied of in my daily routine, made me reach my desired weight. Mrs. Mary married someone else, Mr. Pal got adopted by a fat parent, now these two will ruin somebody else’s life. I thought of throwing away Kevin as well, but I didn’t, because he now addresses me as DAD.
[Note: *The post written above is written in a fun and unconventional way of educating, and is not by any means, intended to harm emotions/sentiments or insult anybody, and should be taken in a light-hearted manner*]
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